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20121101
20121130
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COM 70
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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 70 (some duplicates have been removed)
obama and mitt romney. to topic, foreign policy. bad news for president obama because -- >> in the history of presidents of the united states, he's our worst at foreign policy. >> this is a very weak ill-conceived foreign policy. every place you look is failure. >> the jimmy carter years look like the good old days compared to where we are right now. >> the president has communicated weakness. >> jon: weakness in foreign policy! obama is weaker than coolidge in foreign policy! weaker than polk! weaker than president flinchington j. craphispants. (laughter) as you know, the only president in united states history who ever had his wallet stolen by a baby. (laughter) you don't hear as much about old president craphispants. (laughter) but given obama's foreign policy record, this debate is going to be a bloodbath. >> i congratulate him on taking out osama bin laden. drones are being used in drone strikes and i support that entirely. and feel the president was right. i want to underscore the same point the president made. i felt the same as the president did. i supported hi
detroit auto industry managed bankruptcy is not precisely what romney recommended. romney precisely recommended private credit, which at the time was to be precise non-existent. meaning under his plan detroit's bankruptcy would have been unmanaged and quite permanent. so the big question would be: which version of barack obama would respond. the first debate, sleepy time ma gill cutty or pretty talk jones. >> candy, what governor romney said just isn't true. >> jon: it's alive! it's alive! [cheering and applause] whoa, whoa. yes, president barack obama decided to attend this debate. [laughter] and the two candidates could finally have a truthful, substantive discussion about how much they [bleeped] hate each other. [laughter] >> governor, we have actually produced more oil. >> no, no, how much did you cut licenses and permits on federal land and federal... >> production is up. >> it's down. >> no it isn't. >> production on government land and oil is down 14%. >> governor, what you're saying just not true. >> you'll get your chance in a moment. i'm still speaking. the answer is -- >>
mitt romney is perhaps suggesting, i'm a genie in a bottle. (laughter) really, they're not sung by the same person, are you sure? no, they are sung by the wonders that judge on the talent show. there's two music talent shows? i have got to get myself a zune. (laughter) what are we talking about? oh, yeah, mitt romney's closing arguments. >> the government of the united states is not a good venture capitalists, he likes to pick winners and losers, about $90 billion in green energy companies like solyndra and tess la a friend of mine says he doesn't mind picking winners and losers, he likes picking losers. >> half of them, the ones invested in have gone out of business. >> jon: holy crap! is that true, half? 63 energy companies got significant federal stimulus money and three and a half years later five have gone bankrupt. so that is half, 50%, that's amazing. that's-- what? oh, that's not the same number, hold on-- oh, it's actually 8%, man. i really have to get a zune. (laughter) and then sell it and get a calculator. wow, 8% bankruptcy rate, still, maybe that doesn't sound so b
. >> romney won hands down. >> he was very, very bad last night. >> jon: there is no red america there is no blue america there is only the america that can't believe how bad this guy did in the debate. how bad was the defeat o bama lost despite mitt romney doing this. >> i'm sorry, i will stop the sub sid to pgs. i like big board, i like few, but i'm not going to keep on spending money on things to borrow money from china to pay for it. >> jon: mother [bleep] fired big board. america's favorite nonfried bird. he fired big board and won. beloved children's character. romney could have water boarded aladdin, put down blue, deported dora the explorer. and still won walking away. romney won with the sound up. >> your title of the president of your own airplane, house and facts. >> jon: romney won with the sound off. dude, he's yelling at you. look up. look up! what are you looking at? what are you writing that's so important? what are you doing-- oh, that's not-- oh, i didn't realize that is impressive work. i didn't realize that. (applause) maybe you could give that to mitt romney
. [crowd cheering] >> jon: the electoral vote. obviously that was a state that mitt romney at the very end made a play for, but the amish don't play that. good news from mitt romney he has won tonight making announcements right now most of the confederacy. he's the winner there. a lot of the electoral votes. michigan, 15 electoral votes it's mitt romney's, one of mitt romney's home states. most presings reporting, we're going to call that for barack obama. [crowd cheering] it's a shame that that car pulled out right by that. we've got an interesting senate race to report. there's a lot of attention on this race in massachusetts. there was a yuk ma young man nad scott brown versus a gentlewoman named elizabeth warren, she has won the senate race. [crowd cheering] oh. going overboard buy his own tea partyers. right now the big state we're looking at is ohio because it's really the only state we've ever been looking at. and florida is, and again we are live so i don't know if this is okay, but florida is tonight a guy i gigantic bubble. that's two close to call and ohio too close to call. we'
? ( cheers and applause ) of course, on the other side, governor mitt romney broke the bad news to his supporters before reluctantly being asked to pose for his family's yearly christmas card. ( laughter ). that is a good-looking bunch. it's like they-- the people that came in the frames. across the nation, the people spoke, legalizing gay marriage in maine and maryland. legalizing marijuana in washington state, and colorado-- ( cheers and applause ) gay marriage... nothing. ( laughter ). marijuana... bat ( bleep ) crazy. they also legal ides dancing in that town in "footloose." i probably should have looked that up. wisconsin elected tammy baldwin the first openly lesbian senator. sorry, lindsay graham. yeah. you missed the lindsay graham joke. it was a pretty good one. ( laughter ). perhaps the best news was in florida. after months of republican governor rick scott attempting to suppress democratic voter turnout, and attempting to decrease voter discomfort and my favorite introducing a 10-page novelette state ballot to people who couldn't handle a ( bleep ) one-page ballot. florida
important night of mitt romney's life, yelling at a chair. (cheers and applause) yes. and oh how the outlaw jossie wailed. >> how do you handle-- how do you handle it? i mean what dow say to people? do you just-- you know, i know people-- people are wondering-- you don't-- you don't-- okay. (laughter) >> jon: are you not entertained? (laughter) this is the most joy i've gotten from an old man. (laughter) >> since dick cheney nonfatally shot one in the face. (cheers and applause) i mean-- this is-- more, give me more. >> i'm not going to shut up, it's my turn. so anyway-- . >> jon: i'm here to lend my support to mitt romney in his crucial hour. will you not silence me, invisible barack obama. (laughter) i am going to tell you something, back where we work at the daily show on the west side of he'll kitchen in new york city, you don't have to go far to see an old man yelling at an inanimate object. (laughter) but rarely is that object on stage at a national political convention. and almost never is that old man oscar winner clint eastwood. (applause) not that romney didn't get a chance to-- y
) >> president barack obama, mitt romney just wrached up lunch in the private dining room at the white house. >> jon: i can't believe it-- mitt romney, the guy is just lucky! he probably barely donated much money at all but he still got-- (laughter) the event was actually closed to cameras but we do have footage of governor romney arriving at the white house. i believe that is him there and then he's getting out and then-- (laughter) that's-- campaign is over. so he doesn't have to pre-- pretend any more. can wear that serengeti lion sash he hadn't been wearing. by the way, obama couldn't have met the guy in a restaurant? had to make him come to the white house? that's some cold brew. hey, romney, what's up, man, hey, sn it funny, you almost lived here. yeah, this was almost your place, 3 million bus, you know what i mean? oh you worked so hard for seven years and-- you were just about to knock and go in and-- [bleep] anyway, check out what you have been missing. if you lived here you could be doing right now, watch this, watch this give me a monte chris o san witch, you like adele, get me a
to make final argument to america's voters >> mitt romney... crowd: boo! don't boo. vote. vote. ( cheers and applause ) voting is the best revenge. >> president obama asked his supporters to vote for revenge. >> crowd: boo! instead i ask the american people to vote for love of country. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: i want this over! i don't know if it's that comment or maybe this is the milk i drank from a bodego that lost power during the blackout but i just threw up in my mouth a little bit. if the american people can really vote for revenge or love of country, they'd be kicking both your asses in the polls. for more on the campaign closing hours let's go to jessica williams and aasif mandvi. they are with the candidates right now. jessica, you're at obama's final rally in des moines >> the mood here is positively electric. j-z is killing it. and since this is iowa, they think he's actually talking about cheese. which they really like so it's a very positive message. >> jon: thank you very much. aasif mandvi you're with the romney campaign in manchester new hampshire >> that's right,
's undecided. he support as romney. >> the ads are continuously from 5:00 in the morning until we go to bed at night. >> jon: and that's when the dream ads start. (laughter) are you happy o bama and romney! you're killing the mckittricks! you know they just got married three months ago. (laughter) and now look at them! they're in their mid 20s. you're killing them! (cheers and applause) these ohio political ads zap your youth, they drain your vigor. out of the same hole they used to zap your youth. the cloaca i think it's called. >> obama took gm and chrysler into bankruptcy and sold chrysler to italians who are going to build jeeps in china. (laughter) >> jon: sold chrysler to italians what, we're afraid of italians now? >> if obama wins, it will be the pope deciding what you drive. (laughter) one day they're ruining our car companies, the next day they'll be kissing our daughters with their garlicky lips. (laughter) by the way, apparently the classic italians are going to move american jeeps making jobs to china. why you say these things, mitt romney. kuz now i gotta makea the nice people
, the election is too close to call. anything can happen. romney could win, obama could win, and that's it. those two. but it could be a very long night and we will be live for as long as it takes, as long as it takes is the next half hour. you got to be done before the election special, which is a video of a go getting nailed in the crotch by a pumpkin. ( laughter ) that was called an october surprise. i'm being handed a piece of paper, and it is a napkin. this is blank. no wait, it's, wait, it is a tear stained napkin. this is a napkin soaked with liberal tears. that can mean only one thing. ladies and gentlemen, the colbert report is ready to project that cnn has projected that animal planet has predicted that the winner of the 2012 presidential election is barack obama. ( crowd cheering ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yes, ladies and gentlemen. yes, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i did read that well. america has elected its first black president for an historic first second time. ( laughter ) of course obama... of course let's remember, obama is only half black. it is possible in his
. governor romney makes a good presentation but the fundaments of what he's calling for are the same policies that got us into the mess we've been fighting against for the last four years trying to dig our way out of. an economy was good for the folks at the top but wasn't working for ordinary americans and after 31 months of consecutive job growth we've seen 5.2 million jobs created, manufacturing's coming back, auto industry's recovering. housing is rising. i don't want to go back to the same policies and i want to make sure we're building on the progress we've made to create jobs in america for folks and to make sure middle class families have security. >> jon: would you say -- do you feel you have a stronger affirmative case for a second barack obama presidency or a stronger negative case for a mitt romney presidency? in you're mind -- what is the stronger case to be made or do you prefer an malange. did you feel do you feel you've made the strong enough affirmative case or negative. >> i have a strong case on both ends. look, four years ago i said i doesn't want a war in iraq and we did.
to watching president romney having to choke it down for him. >> jon: you're telling me obama was planning to lose to romney. >> i don't know about planning to lose but he was sure as hell trying to, two words, jon, first debate. two more, in denver. they provide some contest to the first two words. >> jon: you are saying obama took a dive. >> of course he took a dive, of course he did. >> jon: in denver he took a dive you're saying he took a dive. >> exactly we said it four times together. the point is obama is a smart man, jon. and a notoriously brilliant speaker. you don't seriously think that spending a couple of hours sleeply looking at his hands was the best codo. you know that piece of paper he kept looking down at during the debate, all it said was just keep blowing this, keep blowing it. >> jon: but why, why would he do that? when -- >> fiscal cliff, jon, on december 31st if congress can't compromise on a budget something that they have single-handedly proven they are incapable of doing, we head over the fiscal cliff and the entire economy explodes. you think obama and biden want
romney made a rather infamous statement that 47% of the country would not vote for him because they saw himself as victims, entitled-- housing, health care, from the government. as it turns out, much to his disappointment, barack obama was able to pick up four more percent of real america giving him the victory. of course romney walked back his 47% statement. >> in this case i said something that was just completely wrong, and i absolutely believe, however, that my life has shown that i care about 100%, and-- and that's been demonstrated throughout my life. >> jon: i believe him. ( laughter ) there's something about a man standing in front of a perfectly pressed flag and the world's cleanest indoor tractor that says, "i'm the real deal." laughed laug ( laughter ) you can imagine my surprise when this man, so unfairly character turd, by his own words, as an out-of-touch plutocrat yesterday blamed his campaign loss on leaches. >> what the president's campaign did was focus on certain members of his base coalition, give them extraordinary financial gifts from the government, and then work
.n.l . a tremendous, very, very funny man, plays mitt romney and joe biden on the show and he was making a joke on the show about how wouldn't it be funny if in this election it turned out that romney and biden had both won and ended up as president and vice president, wouldn't that have been funny and i said, oh, i don't think that could happen, jason. as a man who knows a lot about like -- and he's like "well, i thought that was the scenario. well, it turns out that could happen! he was referring to a scenario which i found out later where if the electoral college was tied the president would have gotten kicked to the house of representatives where they might have picked mitt romney, the senate would have picked the vice president, they would have picked joe biden and that's how it would have happened. once again there's -- one of the things i hate the most about me -- (laughter). is how much (bleep) i don't know. (laughter) everyday there is (bleep) that i don't know. (laughter) and i've got to tell you, television is -- if you're ever looking to display your ignorance -- (laughter). what a
of mitt romney's most outspoken allies throughout the president's campaign. this is him 12 days ago. >> the president doesn't know how to lead. he's like a man wandering around in a dark room hands up against the wall clutching for the light switch of leadership and he just can't find it and he won't find it until the next 18 days! >> jon: obama couldn't find a stack of old newspapers in an episode of "hoarders" i'm telling you. this guy couldn't find a container at the container store, i'm telling you. obama couldn't lead a bunch of eels to the sargasso sea-- their natural spawning grounds. (laughter) so, you know, look it up. but that was, of course, when america was still living in a pre9 '11 storm surge mentality. >> i want to thank the president personally for his personal attention to this he accelerated the major disaster declaration for new jersey without the usual red tape. the cooperation from the president of the united states has been outstanding. the president has been all over this and he deserves great credit. >> jon: yeah, i guess he found that (bleep)ing light switc
. new a unique position in this -- and i'm not sure i can think of a performer -- you did romney on s.n.l . >> yes. >> jon: but also biden. >> yeah, yeah, i was good to go. >> jon: you win! >> yeah, if you consider that winning. (laughter) pretending to be someone else for a whole year of your life, that's a form of winning. (laughter) i don't know. but -- >> jon: don't we all on some level? >> masks that we all wear. indeed, so well said. yeah and then there is -- isn't there an odd chance that romney could have won and then biden would have con? is there some election thing where they each could win? >> jon: there would have been in the 1800s, i think. >> okay, that's what i'm referring to. >> jon: i think they're paired up now. it's official that it was obama/biden. it wouldn't have been -- people couldn't have voted for biden and get electoral votes there. that's when they used to throw it to the house and then they would kind of go back and forth and all that. >> well -- >> jon: the other thing, too -- i don't remember that (bleep) from school. >> well, that's disappointing becau
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 70 (some duplicates have been removed)